The Good Life

Joseph Samsa awoke in the middle of the night to take a piss. Yawning, he opened the bathroom door to see himself already standing there, taking a piss.

   Before Joseph could react, the impostor whipped his head towards the hallway and said with a horrific grin, “HASHTAG LIVING THE GOOD LIFE BABY!” before his mouth opened up and swallowed Joseph whole.

   Joseph cried out and kicked inside the impostor’s stomach at first, but quickly gave in to exhaustion and died. Patting his belly, the impostor (who we’ll call Jack) waddled over to the mirror. He looked blankly at his face for a little while, touching his forehead, his lips, and his nose—as if they were all new to him. And then without warning he slammed his head repeatedly into the mirror until his forehead—Joseph’s forehead—was a grizzly porridge of glass and flesh.

   He then walked over to the bathtub and kneeled beside it as if to receive communion. His stomach (still hard at work digesting Joseph) hung over his thighs as he bent down and put his teeth—Joseph’s teeth—against the cold ceramic edge of the bathtub. Then, again without warning, he pulled his head back and brought it down mightily against the tub, instantly shattering every tooth in his mouth. This seemed to satisfy Jack, because he started laughing (gargling really—the fragments of tooth and gum kept getting lodged in his throat) until he fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

   When Jack awoke the next morning his face—Joseph’s face—was back to normal. Every tooth accounted for, every mirror shard removed. Jack’s belly was even back to usual size, having successfully broken Joseph down into energy and poop. He reached into his left jean pocket and pulled out a phone. The first selfie of the day was in order. He thought about whether he should post it to Facebook, Twitter, or both. After a brief but tense inner debate, he decided on the latter. 
   The caption read: “Ay! #LivingTheGoodLifeBaby”.